Saying Goodbye

So, what could be harder than saying goodbye to your Mom.

Actually, thinking that you can make it through and that you'll be ok when the time comes.

My mother passed away on June 12, 2006, 9:00am. Pretty much, we knew it was coming to that, she had reached a point in her life and health where Hospice needed to come in and take over care. From that point on, you know that loved one is on their way out. But out could be days, weeks, months. It doesn't always mean tomorrow or even right away. It just means, that their condition has reached a point to where there is nothing more the medical team can do for them, or that the dr can do. No other treatment that can be given that could or would make a difference in their recovery. Why? Because they won't recover.

Mom had reached that point. And as much as I knew it was coming, thought I was going to be ok when it happened, thought I was ready, .... I was not.

I had just arrived at work, settled in, turned on my computer when the phone rang. Caller ID just kind of throws at you who is calling. I saw the Hospice Center name and knew within me, this was the call. It was too early for the nurse to be calling me with a routine update. I answered only to hear the nurse say she had some sad news for me, my mother has passed away in her sleep that morning. She had not suffered any pain.

It was like a shot in the heart. What happened to all that strength I said I had, that I told my mother I had, that I had told God I had and would hold onto?

Where was it now? All I could do was think about how I can to get to her, I had to say goodbye. I "needed" to say goodbye.

I called my husband, fell into an emotional mess on the phone, sent a one line email to my dept that I was leaving, then left. One gal walked me out and it was all I could do to keep from just falling apart completely.

I felt numb, hurt, devastated, confused, scared, lost, left alone. I had my family, a loving husband, three great kids, and five of the most wonderful grandchildren, one sister, yet I felt absolutely alone, like I had no one now.

My dad had died when I was three, now my mother was gone. I was alone.

I knew she was so happy now. Her health had been restored, she standing at the feet of Jesus and was reunited with the love of her life. But my heart was broken. Broken into so many pieces. I just wanted to cuddle up in some big easy chair and not get up till all the sadness passed. Could I do that? Could I just sit till it all went away? Why not? Because life goes on and I had to go on with it.

The heartbreak was so painful. Saying goodbye was so hard.

But.... I promised my mother I'd be ok. That I could be ok because she had taught me to be strong and I would make it through the loss, but I would never forget how much I loved her and missed her.